What’s Wrong with Porn?
My interview with Wendy Maltz LCSW
I recently had
the opportunity to interview Wendy Maltz LCSW, co-author (with her husband
Larry Maltz LCSW) of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to
Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, one of the most informative
and thought-provoking books I have read on the topic of pornography. Over the
past year, I have given considerable thought to creating a curriculum for teens
that would provide an open and honest appraisal of the risks and rewards or
cost and benefits of exposure to online or cyber pornography.
Since 2005 I
have worked with adult sex addicts and through this work it is clear to me
cyber pornography creates more problems than any other behavior, including sex
with prostitutes, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and sex with multiple/anonymous
partners. Cyber pornography is accessible 24 hours a day, seven days a week
(home, work, or any place with Wi-Fi connection) and can be accessed without
any financial cost. When combined with compulsive masturbation, cyber pornography
can produce serious and long term problems in psychological, physical, and
spiritual well-being. As would follow, the relapse rate with cyber porn addicts
far exceeds the relapse rate related to any other sexually compulsive behavior.
In my
clinical work with adult cyber porn addicts a consistent story emerged:
exposure to pornography began as early as childhood and certainly by
adolescence. The vast majority of my clients said they believe their addiction
began with their first exposure to pornography, particularly if that first exposure was
online. The intensity and variety of online pornography provides a
degree of sexual stimulation that is simply impossible to match in any other
sexual context.
As a result
of my work with adult sex addicts, it became clear to me that there should be
cyber porn education, prevention, and treatment for teens. With this topic in
mind, I asked Wendy Maltz how she would construct a sex education curriculum
for teens that specifically addressed cyber pornography. I began the interview
by asking Wendy what parents should do to help protect children from the
potential lifelong damage produced by cyber pornography.
Wendy first
explained it is vitally important for parents to engage in an open and honest
conversation with children about the way sex is presented in the media. She
believes parents need to think about what type of sexual messages are being
endorsed within the media, which includes television, music, film, and online
pornography. Parents then need to talk to their children about what they are
seeing in order to create critical thinking skills. For Wendy the central
challenge for parents is to empower their children to take a critical stance
towards sexual content in media rather than become passive consumers.
Wendy
encourages parents to examine what type of sexual content (and stimulation) is
being introduced into their child's psychological and biological “systems,” in
the same
way they discuss eating habits, the use of drugs and alcohol, and
smoking. By beginning a process of sexual media education within the family at an early age, children can develop a
comfort level and sense of trust in talking about sexual behavior with their
parents, which is crucial for providing parental guidance. If both child and
parent feel unsure, anxious, and fearful about the discussion of healthy sexual
behavior, more than likely they will have great difficulty addressing the
complicated issues presented by cyber pornography.
When I asked
Wendy what she would recommend parents regarding cyber porn specifically, she
said the message that needs to be related is that porn, although exciting and
entertaining, poses significant health risks. This conversation needs to happen
in a way where the parent is not shaming their teen for looking at porn or
attempting to provoke a guilt response. Parents need to explain, in a way that
avoids lecturing and moralizing, that the sex presented isn’t healthy sex. The
sex portrayed in pornography is distorted as it presents “good” sex as
impersonal, cut off from values and feelings, and removes relationship dynamics
and consequences.
Again, the purpose of this conversation is inform and empower
so that teens will be make positive choices with respect to their “consumption”
of sexual content in the media and cyber pornography in particular.
I then asked
whether she would recommend parents take the position of banning pornography
within the household. Wendy began by saying that although she appreciates there
are many different views of cyber pornography (e.g., it’s harmless fun, teens
are only curious, porn shows a variety of forms of sexuality, censorship is
wrong) and recognizes some teens can manage to engage with cyber porn without
significant negative consequences, she
would nonetheless recommend parents take the position that porn will not
be part of the family’s media diet-- in
the same way that a parent would set a limit with respect to drug use, alcohol,
smoking, or overeating.
I then
turned our discussion to sex education for teens focusing on cyber pornography
(middle and high school settings). I posed the question “If given the
opportunity to speak to teens, what would you say about cyber pornography?
Would you recommend moderation? Abstinence?” In response to this question,
Wendy talked about her personal journey through pornography, which began with
the perception of pornography as a risk-free source of pleasure and
stimulation, to a positive influence on individuals and couples in the context
of sex therapy, to a concern about how pornography was affecting individuals
and couples, to the belief that pornography represents a true public health
risk. Wendy’s journey is described in detail in an article on her website (Out
of the Shadows on www.healthysex.com).
Wendy
explained teens need to be made aware that cyber pornography can have a destructive
effect on the way their brains function that is very similar to the negative
impact of drugs such as crack cocaine. Consistent exposure to cyber
pornography, particularly when this exposure is combined with masturbation,
dramatically increases the production of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which
produces intense and sustained states of pleasure. The pursuit of this pleasurable/euphoric
state can shape a teens’ sexual preferences and choices in a way that can
permanently reduce (even eliminate) their capacity to experience healthy intimate
and passionate sex.
Wendy made
the important point that sex is a form of behavioral and emotional conditioning.
Every time we have sex certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are reinforced
by virtue of the pleasure or discomfort we experience during sex. Wendy
explained that an orgasm is perhaps the most powerful re-award/reinforcer that
exists in all of human experience. Wendy said teens need to understand that the
thoughts and feelings they have at the point of orgasm are reinforced and
ultimately become hardwired into their perception of sex -- which in turn shapes their sexual needs
and preferences. Hence, if a teen is looking at porn at the point of climax, it
is the images and messages of pornography that become part of the teen’s understanding
of what sex means.
Wendy
believes that as a society we are going through a period of experimentation
with cyber pornography and this experiment has the potential to change our sexual
values and needs and thereby alter our capacity for healthy sex. As we were
concluding our, Wendy made the interesting and important observation that what
is available to children and teens on the Internet has the potential to produce
the type of trauma that we see in victims of sexual abuse. Wendy then wondered
whether our society will ever take active and decisive steps to protect youth
from online pornography, as we have with smoking and alcohol.
After our
interview I began to think about how to frame a sex education for teens that
that would include the topic of cyber pornography when Wendy forwarded me an
outline of the type of content she would include in a cyber porn sex education
curriculum.
Wendy's outline included the
following topics:
1) Sex basics and realities (bodies,
brains, desires, functioning)
2) How sexual interest begins and is
developed and shaped
3) Defining healthy sex
4) The role of sexual pleasure in mating,
bonding, love, self-esteem, and healthy communities
5) Sexual rights (in contrast to sexual
exploitation)
6) Gender similarities and differences
(what does it mean to “be a man” or “be a woman”?)
7) Sexual harm (what are harmful
influences and behaviors and why?)
8) Pornography (defining pornography;
traits of today's product; the effect of regular/heavy use on the brain; how porn
differs from other sexually explicit materials; how content is often
sexist/racist and becomes more violent/extreme; what pornography does not
show/teach; the benefits/rewards of looking at porn; risks related to looking
at porn; the lack of warning on pornography; the absence of informed consent
and regulation; similarities to sexual perpetration/abuse; trickery; peer
attitudes and pressure).
9) Making wise sexual choices
10) Understanding empathy and integrity
(impact of your sexuality on others)
11) How to create and maintain a healthy
sexual relationships
12) How to build a healthy sex life (with
yourself)
13) How to develop skills of being a good
lover
14) How to get help when needed
It is
difficult to understand, 12 years in the 21st century, why the topic
of teen use of cyber pornography has not been incorporated into mainstream of sex
education at the middle and high school levels. The reasons for the absence of
this discussion in school settings is obviously complex and would invite debate
from many different groups, ranging from those who believe pornography is
morally reprehensible, to those who see pornography as a First Amendment issue,
to those who see pornography as a harmless form of sexual stimulation, to those
who have worked with sex addicts and see the potential damage of a relationship
with pornography. Notwithstanding the need to address the various concerns of
these groups, it seems more than reasonable for adults, particularly those who
are in a position to educate teens, to begin to at least take on the process of
developing a sex education curriculum that candidly addresses the types of
choices and experiences that teens have via the Internet.
Christopher
Mulligan LCSW
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